ST: How did you begin your career as a sex educator?
FN: I got into sex ed through Cleis Press. Many of the
really great sex guides, erotica collections and other books on
sexuality and gender have come from Cleis Press. I educated myself,
through San Francisco Sex Information, which has a
55-hour volunteer training, and Body Electric,
which offers classes in hands-on erotic massage. I learned from our
authors: Violet Blue, Tristan Taormino, Patrick Califia, Annie Sprinkle, Staci
Haines, Carol Queen.
By the way, that’s how I came to write The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
. I kept waiting for that
book to land on my desk at Cleis, but no one wrote it. So I did.
ST: Briefly describe what one should expect in a coaching session.
FN: Oh, I strip ‘em, throw ‘em onto my massage table, and shove my fist up
their pussies. Just kidding! I help my clients create sex lives that
really work for them. I want everyone to fully enjoy sex. I combine
basic sex education with somatic bodywork (fully clothed). Through
coaching, breathwork, self-observation, and simple movement exercises,
I guide clients toward the new skills, practices, and understandings
that will have them be thoroughly delighted with their sex lives. A lot
of this work can be done on the phone.
ST: Why does someone go to you?
FN: I had a client who had never been present during sex with an intimate
partner. One-time hook-ups were no problem, but as soon as she settled
into a relationship, she couldn’t be in her body during sex. She’d go
off in her head, have difficulty reaching orgasm. A few months of
working together took care of that problem.
People come to me for a lot of reasons. Want a list? Here goes: they
want to get their sexual needs and desires met, they want to invigorate
their libido, they want to talk to their partners about what is or
isn't working, their partners don’t want as much sex as they do (or
vice versa), they want to try something new, they don't understand why
or how they get triggered during sex, they can't sustain sexual
interest once a relationship moves beyond the early stages of dating,
they have difficulty reaching orgasm, their sexual functioning has been
impacted by depression and/or the antidepressants they take to
alleviate it. Some are survivors of sexual trauma.
Here’s a wonderful reason to come see me: you and your partner are
getting married and you want to design a sexual partnership that will
not just last but get better over the years.
I think Lesbian Bed Death is bullshit, by the way. Not that it doesn’t
happen, just that there’s nothing uniquely lesbian about it. And naming
it as a phenomenon has made it rather self-fulfilling. That’s not
necessary. If you and your partner have stopped having sex, and you
want to get the juices flowing, I can help you make that happen.
ST: What percentage of your clientelle is heterosexual, bisexual, gay,
lesbian, and transgendered?
FN: Most of my clients are lesbians, but I also see heterosexual men and
women.
ST: We had a debate on SistersTalk once in which we discussed the
possibility that women had just as many -- if not more --one-night
stands as men did by the time they were 35. Care to weigh in on
that?
FN: If it’s true, it makes me very happy!
ST: In your "Whole Lesbian Sex" column, you've written about everything
from lesbian fellatio to anal massage for lesbians. How do you decide
what you will write about?
FN: I wrote the column on lesbian fellatio because your readers requested
it! Sometimes conversations with clients get me thinking about things,
like the recent column on masturbating with a partner. (Which I
recommend highly.) My partner often inspires my writing – watch for the
Valentine’s Day column and you’ll see what I mean.
ST: Did you notice the new lesbian sex therapist (played by Kate
Clinton) on The L Word looks like you?
FN: No way – I don’t have a red ball on the end of my nose.
ST: I meet lots of lesbians who have an aversion to strap-ons. The
typical comment is "if I wanted to be with a man, I would just do
that." Any comments?
FN: Everyone is permitted a preference. If you don’t like the sensation of
penetration with a dildo, strapped on or not, that’s fine. Go for what
you do like. However, if you are passing on strap-on play because it’s
imitative of heterosexual sex, you may be missing out on something
pleasurable. As Susie Bright said many years ago, fucking is no more
heterosexual than kissing.
ST: On your website, you have a link to LesbianSTD. It's my belief
that lesbians are just as susceptible to STDs as straight women. Would
you agree?
FN: Yes. Lesbians are particularly susceptible to herpes and HPV. We can
also share bacterial infections, so if your honey has a vaginal
bacterial infection, you should get checked, too.
liberal bloggers
This interview is dedicated to Barry -- one of the most "liberal" conservatives I know.